Judgment
by SupernaturalSlayer
Summary: AU season 6. When you lose someone it isn't always forever...finally posted chapter five! This chapter is dark.
1. If you Believe

Title: Judgement  
  
Email: buffsummers@hotmail.com  
  
Disclaimer: No matter how much I wish I did, I don't own the characters of the show - Joss Whedon does  
  
Spoilers: From every season up to the end of season five. AU season 6  
  
Summary: Buffy is still dead and everyone misses her.  
  
Distribution: I don't mind at all. Just let me know where it's going first.  
  
Rating: PG-13, B/A all the way!!  
  
Feedback: Yes please!!! I'm gonna start slow, and if I get no feedback- then no story! ;)  
  
Song lyrics are from Mariah Carey.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Chapter One: If you believe  
  
* I'm thinking of you  
  
In my sleepless solitude tonight  
  
If it's wrong to love you  
  
Then my heart just won't let me be right  
  
Cos I've drowned in you  
  
And I won't pull through  
  
Without you by my side *  
  
Angel just sat in his room brooding, just as he had been doing for the past three weeks since he had found out of Buffy's death. How had it happened? He had come home from Pylea, glad to be back, and at just one look at her best friends' face, his world collapsed.  
  
*It's Buffy*  
  
Willow had left as soon as telling Angel the news. He couldn't blame her. It was all his fault that Buffy had died, and she knew it. She didn't deserve to die. If anyone did, it should've been him. If only he had been there. If only he could have been there to stop Glory. If only...  
  
* I'd give my all to have just one more night with you  
  
I'd risk my life to feel your body next to mine  
  
And I can't go on living in the memory of our song  
  
I'd give my all for your love tonight *  
  
"Angel? Are you okay?" Cordelia had changed a lot over the years. She even started to care about him. But nobody had ever cared for him more than Buffy. "Do you want to talk?"  
  
"No Cordy. I'm fine." His voice felt dry and raspy and sounded hoarse. Nothing in his entire existence had ever felt this bad. Nothing. 'I don't know if I can take much more of this.'  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Sunnydale  
  
"This isn't fair! Buffy was so brave and saved the world how many times, and yet she still dies!" Willow had been saying the same thing over and over for the past three hours. You couldn't tell by looking, but really Willow was voicing out everyone's opinions. The Scoobies had really tried their best to move on, but no matter how hard they tried, the pain of Buffy's death still haunted them. But for Dawn it was worse. She had lost everyone dear to her. First her dad, then her mom, and now her sister. There was no-one left.  
  
*Live, for me*  
  
She had tried, so hard. But even though she tried to keep busy, she would never forget her older sister. "Angel," she whispered. Such a simple sentence, but with so much meaning behind it. "Will! Angel!"  
  
"What about him Dawnie? We already told him about...uh...you know."  
  
"Can I see him?"  
  
"Go to LA? Oh Dawnie, I don't..."  
  
"It would help! I know it would. Buffy would like it if we all tried to keep in touch. Plus, I'm sure we could help Angel too."  
  
"Giles? Xander? What do you think? Should we?" The two until now had both been very quiet, which was very unusual. Especially for Xander.  
  
"See Deadboy? Gee I dunno. I mean come on, after everything he..."  
  
"Xander," Giles said firmly, "I think it would be a good idea. For all of us. And we could also see how things are holding up in Los Angeles. I am also quite eager to see Wesley. I hear he has acquired quite a collection"  
  
"Figures he'd think of the books," Xander mumbled, but it did not go unnoticed, and he received a glare for his troubles. Dawn and Willow were obviously psyched and the thought of going to LA.  
  
"So LA it is!" Dawn cried. For the first time in weeks, she wore a smile on her face. She had faith they would all help each other overcome the pain that was killing them on the inside. She knew it would. It had to.  
  
To Be Continued... 


	2. Meet the Gang

Title: Judgement  
  
Email: buffsummers@hotmail.com  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.  
  
Author's Note: I know this is depressing so far. But I promise it'll get better! This time I want reviews or I WILL NOT continue with this story, which is a shame because it'll get good later on!  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Chapter Two: Meet the Gang  
  
"So.here we are," Willow said  
  
"Yep," agreed Xander.  
  
"Maybe we should.go inside?" Dawn suggested.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Go inside."  
  
"Right."  
  
They all agreed but nobody made a move to leave the van, leaving them all in an uncomfortable silence. The two hour journey from Sunnydale to LA had been mostly silent with the occasional boring car game that never seemed to last more than two minutes.  
  
"Can we go now?" Anya finally said, breaking the silence.  
  
"Yes," the others agreed and automatically got up.  
  
It had been a very long tiring journey for the five of them. For most of the summer all they had been doing was visiting Buffy's grave followed by the occasional patrol. But since Buffy had saved the world, it had become really uneventful. Spike had decided to stay behind in case of any trouble and to keep things under control while the others were gone. Nobody but Dawn seemed to mind. Slowly they trudged up the steps of the Hyperion, unknowing of what they might find. When they finally reached the top, Willow stepped forward and pushed open the heavy glass door.  
  
"Hello?" She called, "Is anybody home?"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Whoa, man! I really think you need to relax," Gunn said.  
  
Angel had been taking his frustrations out on a punching bag and various other training equipment for two hours, and had somehow managed to do damage to all of them.  
  
"I have just lost the only woman I have ever loved," he answered, "You. Try. Relaxing!!" he yelled between punches.  
  
"Come on man. I know she meant a lot to you, but you've got to move on. Let her go."  
  
"I have been trying to since I left Sunnydale! That was three years ago! Do I look any more successful!?" Angel yelled.  
  
"She really meant a lot to you didn't she?" Gunn asked.  
  
"Yeah, she did. You have no idea how much," Angel answered, going to sit down next to Gunn.  
  
"Well. Whatever happens. You know we're all here for you, right?"  
  
"Yeah, I know. Thanks," Angel replied. Gunn got up and answered,  
  
"No problem, man. I owe you. You helped me get over Alonna's death. Thank you for that."  
  
"Right. Alonna," Angel mumbled, "Maybe you can understand."  
  
"Don't be too hard on yourself, Angel. It wasn't your fault," Gunn told him, and then leaving the room.  
  
"Right. Right," Angel whispered.  
  
Angel still couldn't get over it. She was gone. And she was never coming back. Never again. Tears started welling up in his eyes. He tried to keep them from falling, but with no success. The tears streamed down his cheeks like a torrent; so hot they could have scalded his face if he could feel them. He was numb. No matter what the circumstance, he felt nothing. Saw nothing; only her beautiful face. And he knew nothing. Only that she was never coming back. That she was gone.  
  
"Forever."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Gunn entered the lobby of the Hyperion when he thought he heard voices. Upon seeing the visitors he asked,  
  
"Can I help you, people?"  
  
The unknown guests jumped on hearing Gunn speak. They had been too busy gazing around the hotel and admiring their surroundings. They turned around and Gunn automatically recognised one of them.  
  
"Willow? Is that you?" He asked.  
  
"Gunn. Hi. Yes it's me. How are you doing?"  
  
"Doing good actually," he answered, "Just trying to get Angel out of his stupor."  
  
"How is he doing?" Giles asked. Gunn looked directly at Giles and said,  
  
"Let me put it this way.That statue is more alive than he is," he said, pointing at one of Wesley's statues on the counter.  
  
"That bad, huh?" Asked Dawn.  
  
"Yeah. Now I don't wanna be rude or anything.but who are you people?"  
  
Willow looked flustered for a moment, totally forgetting she hadn't introduced them.  
  
"Oh sorry! Gunn this is Xander, Dawn, Giles, and Anya," Willow answered, pointing each of them out, "Guys, this is Charles Gunn."  
  
"Just Gunn. Nice to meet you all."  
  
The Scoobies all greeted him and said hello, While Giles shook his hand. Gunn looked over to Angel's training room,  
  
"I suppose you guys wanted to talk to Angel?" he asked. The gang nodded.  
  
"If it's okay," Dawn politely answered.  
  
"I guess it is," Gunn said with hesitation, "Don't get me wrong.I just don't want to bother him if I don't have to. I'll call him for you." At his words Gunn slowly started walking towards the training room. As he reached the door, he knocked slowly three times.  
  
"Angel? There's some people here to see you. It's Willow and the gang," He said. Willow stepped forward,  
  
"Angel. Can I come in?" When there was no answer Willow worriedly looked at Gunn and he did the same. Willow tried again,  
  
"Angel. We want to help you," When he didn't answer she said, "I'm coming in now, okay?" She opened the door and gasped at what she saw.  
  
"Oh my god!"  
  
To Be Continued... 


	3. The Nightmare Begins

Title: Judgement  
  
Email: buffsummers@hotmail.com  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Thank you for the review!  
  
Song lyrics: 'Haunted' by Evanescence.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Chapter Three: The Nightmare Begins  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Oh my god! Angel! Are you all right?" Willow cried, running into the room. She ran over to where Angel lay crying on the floor. Angel didn't move. He just lay on the floor, trembling. "Angel?" As soon as he heard his name he looked up at Willow.  
  
"I'm fine, Willow," he said. Willow looked dubiously at Angel.  
  
"Well you don't exactly look FINE, Angel," Willow pointed out.  
  
"I'M FINE," Angel said in a very serious and determined voice, getting up. As soon as he was up the stalked across the room and ploughed easily through the others, who had curiously gathered around to see what was going on. After a moment of awkward silence, Dawn spoke up,  
  
"He's really taking it hard, isn't he?"  
  
"Yeah, he really is," Gunn answered looking worriedly after Angel.  
  
"Do you think he'll be okay?" Dawn asked anxiously. Giles looked down at Dawn affectionately.  
  
"I'm sure he will. He just needs some time."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
**Long lost words whisper slowly to me  
  
still can't find what keeps me here  
  
when all this time i've been so hollow inside  
  
i know you're still there**  
  
Angel lay in his bed, tossing and turning and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't get her image out of his mind. It was like she was haunting him. Wherever she was he knew he would never forget.  
  
*Forever. That's the whole point*  
  
He remembered the time he said that. He wasn't with her, but they still had their strong connection. In some ways he hoped the connection would break so he wouldn't have to suffer so much. But a part of him didn't want the connection to break so he would never forget. But he doubted that would ever happen.  
  
*I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget*  
  
Angel would never forget that day. Even though it really didn't exist. Sometimes he wished he could take it all back. He wanted so much to share that day with her again.  
  
After many hours of tossing and turning, Angel finally fell into a troubled sleep.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
*Angel's POV*  
  
I open my eyes suddenly. Where am I? It's so dark... A light just flashed before my eyes and then disappeared...what was that?  
  
I started walking around, trying to get a feel for this place. It's so strange. Yet...familiar somehow. Like I've been here before.  
  
There it was again. That strange feeling; like I'm being watched. I look around to see if I can find a clue to where I am. It's still so dark. Even my eyes can't adjust to it well enough. I'm a vampire. What's going on?  
  
I walk around a bit more, then I bump into a table. I hear it screech as it moves across the floor but then it hits something, or someone, solid.  
  
"Don't tell me you don't recognise this place," a familiar voice said.  
  
Wait a minute...was that...? No way. It couldn't be.  
  
"Who are you?" I ask hesitantly.  
  
"You don't recognise me? I'm gone for a few months and I'm already being forgotten. Isn't that terrible? You told me you would always love me. What will it be like in a couple of years?"  
  
"B-Buffy?" I asked. Then suddenly at least two dozen candles lit up one after the other until the room was bathed in dim candlelight. And sure enough, stand in the centre of the room surrounded by candles...was Buffy. The mysterious surroundings he was in was nothing more but the mansion on Crawford Street.  
  
"Right. Buffy. Remember? You're first love? Or did you forget? I supposed you've forgotten all about poor little Buffy and moved on to better things. For example...CORDELIA. Are you with HER now? You left me to be with Cordelia the saint?"  
  
I'm shocked at what Buffy is saying. Me and Cordelia? How can she say these things? Cordelia is a friend to me and nothing more. I don't see her like that. It's always been Buffy. She thinks I love Cordelia but I don't know how I can persuade her otherwise. How do I say what I feel?  
  
"Buffy...I don't think of Cordelia that way. I love you. I know sometimes it doesn't look that way, but-"  
  
"But nothing!" she interrupts, "stop treating me like I'm some little girl! I know what I feel, and what I want!"  
  
"And just what is that, Buffy?" I ask hopefully  
  
"I know what you're thinking...and you're wrong. It's not you, and it never will be you. I brought you here to set that straight. I don't want you, Angel. I want somebody else. Somebody like Spike...Now you are going to forget about me and stop wishing that I'll come back. I like where I am. I don't intend to leave. You, and my whiney little 'friends', leave me alone! Move on! Because I never loved you..."  
  
To be Continued... 


	4. Reprimand and Reflections

Title: Judgement  
  
Email: buffsummers@hotmail.com  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, blah blah blah...  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Thank you for all the reviews! Sorry this took me so long. I finally found some spare time.  
  
Song lyrics: "Taking Over Me" by Evanescence.  
  
Spoilers: season 5 "The Gift", season 3 "Anne"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Chapter Four: Reprimand and Reflections  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Why? Why did you do that?! WHY?!" the beautiful blonde cried. Her companion just looked at her, bored,  
  
"It was necessary." The young woman looked at her incredulously,  
  
"How can you SIT there and say that? How was it necessary to intrude into his own MIND and casually tell him I never loved him!?" Buffy was screaming now. She realised it must have seemed quite immature for a twenty year old woman, but right now she didn't care. To say she was shocked when she heard what the Power had done was a complete understatement.  
  
"I understand you may be a little upset about the things I said to the vampire, but-"  
  
"NO. No you do not understand," Buffy interrupted, "he was the one thing in my entire crazy life that actually made sense. I loved him. Do you hear me? I LOVED him, and I still do. Even though I'm dead." She whispered the last part but the Power overheard nonetheless.  
  
"I am sorry if I have upset you, Chosen One, but you see it was necessary for the Vampire to forget about you so he could move on to the seer, like the prophesy foretold."  
  
"Prophesy? Seer? You mean...Cordelia? And Angel...?"  
  
"Are destined to end up together," the Power finished. Buffy looked crushed,  
  
"Oh." The Powers might have always shown an emotionless front, but that didn't mean that they didn't notice when someone was in pain. The Power looked thoughtful for a moment, and then turned to the ex-slayer,  
  
"I must go. There is an important matter that I must take care of." Buffy didn't acknowledge the Power, so it left without another word.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
As soon as she saw she was alone, Buffy stretched out onto the soft, crisp grass. She closed her eyes and let her thoughts wander to those of her friends. Willow, Xander, Dawn, Angel... at that she sat up with a sigh,  
  
'Heaven is overrated'  
  
** You don't remember me  
  
But I remember you.  
  
I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you.  
  
But who can decide what they dream?  
  
And dream I do. **  
  
She closed her eyes again, and when she opened them the scene had shifted to a scene that was very familiar to her. She was sat in the middle of a beach. The sun had set, and the waves casually lapped at the shore. Lost in her thoughts, she rose and strolled gently to the sea. She waded in so her ankles were lost in the water. She once again closed her eyes and took in the scent of the salty sea air. It was almost as if she never left. As she had remembered, a pair of strong arms circled her waist.  
  
** I believe in you  
  
I'll give up anything just to find you  
  
I have to be with you  
  
To live, to breathe  
  
You're taking over me. **  
  
"How did you find me here?"  
  
"If I was blind I would see you."  
  
"Stay with me?"  
  
"Forever. That's the whole point. I'll never leave...not even if you killed me." Not opening her eyes, she replied,  
  
"But what if I killed myself? Would you leave me then?" She opened her eyes, and just as soon as he appeared he was gone. Buffy sighed. It had only been a dream, only this time she didn't wake up. This was real. She had died. She was cared for, and comfortable, but she was alone.  
  
** Have you forgotten all I know?  
  
And all we have?  
  
You saw me mourning my love for you  
  
And touched my hand.  
  
I knew you loved me then. **  
  
'How are the others doing without me? Do they miss me? Does Angel miss me? Or was the Power right and did he turn to Cordelia for comfort? Is it my fault that he and Cordelia get the happy-ever-after I always wanted? Does he hate me now?  
  
** I believe in you  
  
I'll give up anything just to find you.  
  
I have to be with you  
  
To live, to breathe  
  
You're taking over me. **  
  
Well, there's no point dwelling on the past. I'm never going to see them again, so I might as well get used to it.'  
  
Buffy turned her back to the sea and strode back to her former resting place, and as she walked the scene shifted back to that of the peaceful field that it had once been. She flopped down onto the soft grass and continued to reflect.  
  
** I look in the mirror and see your face  
  
If I look deep enough  
  
So many things inside that are just like you are taking over. **  
  
'Would you believe there's such a thing as being too peaceful?'  
  
** I believe in you  
  
I'll give up anything just to find you  
  
I have to be with you  
  
To live, to breathe  
  
You're taking over me. **  
  
At that she began to drift back to sleep with thoughts of her Angel.  
  
** I believe in you  
  
I'll give up anything just to find you  
  
I have to be with you  
  
To live, to breathe  
  
You're taking over me. **  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Hope you liked it. Please keep reviewing! I love reading them.  
  
Next time: the aftermath of the Power's visit. 


	5. Repercussions

**Judgment**  
  
Email: buffsummershotmail.com  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, blah blah blah...  
  
Rating: PG-13 It's currently pretty dark.  
  
Thank you for all the reviews! Sorry this took me so long.  
  
Song lyrics: "Tourniquet" by Evanescence.  
  
Spoilers: season 5 "The Gift"

* * *

**Chapter Five: Repercussions**  
  
Angel bolted upright in his bed in a cold sweat.  
  
'Oh god. That couldn't have been real, could it? Did she really mean that? Was that even Buffy?'  
  
Angel looked at the clock next to his bed. It read 3am. He wearily slid off the bed. Sometime during the night the blankets had all tumbled to the floor. He slowly made his way to the bathroom and got into the shower. He turned the hot water all the way up until it was hot enough to scald his skin. But he ignored the pain and remained in the shower for another hour, trying to wash away the grief, even though he knew it would always linger with him.

* * *

After his long shower, Angel went downstairs where Willow was waiting for him.  
  
"Where is everyone else?" he asked.  
  
"They went out. They figured you needed your space," she answered. Willow just stood there silently trying to figure out how Angel would be feeling and what he was thinking about, "how are you feeling?" Angel, however, was not in the mood,  
  
"Willow- I don't want to talk about this."  
  
"Angel..."  
  
"NO Willow. Just leave it." At this, Angel walked out into the garden, the scent of jasmine permeating the air.  
  
_I tried to kill the pain, But only brought more. _

_I lay dying. _

_And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal._  
  
'Did she really mean it? Was it even her? It could have been the first evil again...No it couldn't have been. It wasn't evil, I can tell. Face it. She doesn't love you. She never did. All along...she wanted Spike.'  
  
_I'm dying. Praying. _

_Bleeding and screaming _

_Am I too lost to be saved? _

_Am I too lost?_  
  
'What am I doing? Am I doing any good here? Buffy was the only person I ever loved. But now that she's gone...Do I have a reason anymore?'  
  
_My God, My tourniquet _

_Return to me salvation. _

_My God, my tourniquet _

_Return to me salvation.  
_  
Suddenly a look of resolve formed on Angel's face. He knew what he had to do.

* * *

_My wounds cry for the grave. _

_My soul cries for deliverance. _

_Will I be denied Christ? _

_Tourniquet, my suicide...  
_  
The fire burned bright. As bright as his love for her. There would be pain, but it would be welcome. The flames lashed out, but Angel was calm. Angel took a step towards the flames and prepared himself for the end.  
  
'Here we go. These endless days are finally ending in a blaze. I've tried to do this...but I can't. I can't live in a world without her.'  
  
Angel took another step towards his escape the heat of the flames singeing the hairs on the back of his neck. He closed his eyes and began to take the final step.

* * *

_To be continued..._  
  
I know this chapter is really short. It was longer but I thought it would be better to give you a cliff hanger :)  
  
Please keep reviewing, I love the reviews. I know this fic is in a pretty dark place right now, but it gets lighter now that I got this chapter done. I couldn't resist adding that line from the Buffy musical. It called out to me.  
  
In the next chapter of '_Judgment'_:  
  
What happens to Angel? And somebody's got a plan.


End file.
